Proto-N:Era

I've got a draft of N:Era from 11/18/2019. I guess this dates back N:Era, Call of the Wild, to at least that date. I figure, adjusting for the amount of time to prep the main base, that N:Era could be as old as 2018, if not 2017. 

Anyway, I thought I'd review this, and tell you better how to write stories, and choices I made along the way. For purposes of readability, despite the text being left-aligned, the text will now be center-aligned.

(Slaughterhound Studios Presents:

Call of the Wild

A N:ERA Novella

Chapter 1:

The dire hyena skulked. The meadow showed a trail of trampled grass, leading up to her location. Following this maze of greenery was her best friend, Ahmond, the coywolf. Tall grass led way to the clearing right before the woods.

The woods, obviously, were not to be played in, otherwise their parents, older siblings, or other guardian figures, may inflict punishment. Colloquially known as an "ass-whooping". It was avoided as often as it could.

Some sat at stumps, playing card games. Their draconic blood allowed them to manipulate their digits almost like fingers, so they had the same wrist dexterity as any bipedal would. Not that they were bipedal, though it wouldn't be too hard to adopt such a stance with such powerful bodies.

Several of the children looked at Lilu, and some bowed. The perks of royalty. Or at least, being royalty in one of the city states of Wysdom. The main one was her other major friend, Rosod, the Crimson. Crimsons were a species native of Voto. Bipedal creatures, with a mustelid's head. They had the rounded ears, and padded hands and feet.

 So, this is the first part of N:Era, and possibly the first few paragraphs wrote. Already, there's a lot of exposition that can be off-putting and a sledge to get through if you hammer this all in right now. "Maze of greenery" is quite the, ahem, exaggeration. This implies the grass is so tall that no one can see, and that's why we need Ahmond to work her way through the aforementioned "maze". This might have been the original intent, but still reads weird to me now. 

In the 2nd paragraph, the last line is really something. What was avoided as often as possible, the ass-whoopings or the woods? You can't see the spanking for the trees. 

Draconic blood gets dropped later, somewhat, but the word "bipedal" appears twice. Using the same word several times in a paragraph quickly makes that paragraph seem repetitive and breaks flow. Nextly, is the mention of Voto, and the city-states of Wysdom. So apparently, all the kingdoms were formerly just gonna be city-states, and that makes sense. 

There's so much exposition that we know nothing ironically. Now there's even more questions. What's Voto? Are we on Voto? Why mention Crimsons are native to Voto, unless we're not native on Voto? Is Voto a planet? 

The lanky creature walked over to her. "Lilu, it's so nice to see you today."

"My life sucks!" Lilu said as she slumped down at a table.

Rosod glanced at Ahmond and asked, "Is she still butthurt about what happened?"

"You mean about the tournament? Nah, I'd say she's doing quite fine by her standards."

"By other people's standards?"

"Nah, she butthurt." Rosod laughed and Ahmond laughed with.

Lilu said, "It's not funny! I work hard, I study. I have uncovered every single card in the game, mathed out formulas, and done anything I could."

"You netdecked, sista," Rosod said. "That's one of the laziest things you can do."

"Netdecked one of the best," Lilu said.

Ahmond said, "But at the same time, you do know that it won't work?"

"Are you going to tell me some kind of crap about how I have to 'find my own way'?" In her quotation she emphasized by placed her paws on her cheeks, elbows on ground, raising voice to a helium high.

 

Alright, so a bit to unpack here as well. Firstly, I can somewhat tell what I was interested in while writing, so that's amusing. Nextly, Ahmond probably wouldn't mock Lilu in later variations, or even in this variation. 

Netdecking, by the way, refers to the idea of copying someone else's deck in a card game. I don't actually really dislike netdeckers, so the intent wasn't to mock them, but to have the characters mock them, but I guess implicitly that's mocking netdecks, so . . . yeah, that's unfortunate. 

The last paragraph reads awkwardly, and part of this is that we are only told she spoke in a "helium high" after reading the quote. Now you have to re-read the quote! And we don't need full stage directions on her putting her elbows on the ground. "Raising voice to a helium high" also is awkward. 

Rosod said, "Why would it work for you? You have a different playing style than the person you're copying."

Lilu shrugged their ideas off. Maybe netdecked wasn't always the best answer. It only meant taking somebody else's deck and copying it card for card. The deck obviously needed some finetuning, but she had to finetune it herself.

"Anyway," Rosod said, "do you want to play a round?" She brought out a deck of cards that had "Towers" on it. 

Lilu considered it. But the last loss was pretty crushing considering she only got top eight. Top eight wasn't sufficient. She was to be the winner, the champion. But she lost in the dracoling division.

That meant young dire division. She got beaten by a bunch of kids.

She was a kid too, granted. But not that much of a kid. She was already thirty. Which, on Voto, meant...  one-hundred, eighty six days a year, 26 hours a day... She had been alive for quite a bit.

Within the next twenty years she'd be an adult. 

But maybe the only way to gain confidence again was to beat somebody at the game again. Her win loss record by the wilds was possibly the best. This was where everybody congregated, and almost thirty of her peers were at. She had a record of 25 - 7 - 2 - 2. So only seven had ever bested her, out of twenty five.

But that win column could be so much bigger. And that loss column could be so much smaller.

This game had only come out a few years prior, and she was falling behind. She played maybe one game a week, on the sixth and final day of the week. That was the only time when anybody was playing. For some reason that's when tradition said they would play the game officially. Not that people didn't play at other times, it simply wasn't recorded.

Rosod would be a good challenge, and a good proving grounds. 9 - 2 record. Lilu was the first one to stain her unbeaten streak of seven. Then Rosod had gotten a win. Then they both had a time limit draw.

So it was a best of four series. Lilu finally decided, "Rosod, you're on."

Rosod said, "Cool."

"Problem, I didn't bring a deck."

Ahmond said, "You can borrow mine." She took out her bag, and placed a deck of cards. "Besides, it'd be cool to see if you can win with mine."

"You can't win with yours," Rosod said, taking a potshot. Ahmond's ears lowered, and Rosod said, "Sorry, I didn't think-"

Hm, I think I'm understanding the potshots at netdeckers more now, but that cripples the actual message. The intent isn't "copying is bad" but that you have to understand why copying won't make you perfect and adjusting. But Lilu already plays by the beat of her own drum. Why would she netdeck? 

I also see the remnants of where Voto and Vytyl were supposed to have different yearly cycles. However, I scrapped that because that was very, um, hard to math out. 

9 - 2 record implies that Lilu won nine, lost two against Rosod. Or the other way around. Does not imply Rosod has a record of 9-2. And even if she does, that's nowhere near as impressive as a record of 25 - 7. 

The explanation of when people play is so weird and unnecessary. Just say that everyone only played on weekends. We can math out the rest, because we know what weekends are like, and why people don't play on other days. 

Also why is Rosod apologizing? She doesn't care about Ahmond's feelings. She doesn't even care about her own half the time. If she did, she wouldn't be straight A-student five times running, and two times walking! 

"Gotcha," Ahmond said with a grin.

Lilu laughed, and Rosod flipped her a finger she wouldn't have flipped had their been parents nearby. "Let's crack open the game."

There were only three stumps to play the game, but nobody was in the mood for playing. So the judge came over, a blue lion, and watched.

"This match will be for fifteen rounds," the lion announced. It was a slow day, so it didn't seem necessary to Lilu to have a time limit, but it wasn't her call. "Do you want a special time of match?"

"Standard," Lilu said.

"This match will start off with both have 30 life. They can win by taking down the opponent's life, by automatic win condition, by surrender, by deckout, or by disqualification. Lilu will be the first to go." He talked about their records, and the game started.

Lilu was feeling her groove coming back, particularly when she drew her seven cards. She was going to win this game, and for that Summer tournament win was going to be hers. She knew that it was going to happen. All she had to do was prove first that she was better than Rosod right now. She took her first turn.

*

Rosod smoked her. It was quite literally the most embarrassing loss she ever had. 29 - 0 in the health department. "Stupid deck," she growled at Ahmond's cards.

Ahmond said, "Maybe you simply suck." Ahmond stuck her tongue out at Lilu.

Lilu said, "Maybe your deck simply sucks!"

"Girls," Rosod said as she stepped between the two. "There's only one way to settle this. You two throw down next week, and we see who's the actual better of you two."

"I can deal with that," Ahmond said.

Lilu couldn't believe her loss streak was already at two. She never lost two in a row. One in a row, maybe, but two?

Night was already falling. Lilu had to admit, she did come late, but after only six rounds of playing? "We've got to get home now," Rosod said, interrupting her thoughts.

Lilu rolled onto her back, staring up at the purpleness. "You can go on ahead."

Ahmond said, "We're not leaving your mopey little butt behind again. But we've got only an hour left at most."

"Thirty minutes," Lilu said. "The teleporter will take you back." 

Now we're getting to the main event. Ahmond teasing someone really doesn't seem like an Ahmond thing to do. However, this does make this clearer how Lilu is apparently championship worthy, a thought that is lost in the official version. 

Staring up at the purpleness feels weirder now. Like, that's supposed to be the sun but with how many details and exposition of this world we're getting, the sky might genuinely just be purple. 

I'm also somewhat surprised how Magic also had 30 life. I can't help but think that's gotta be coincidence as I wasn't playing Magic by that point. 

Ahmond said, "Lilu, everybody else is leaving already. "

"I don't want to go back home, it's too much pressure to succeed."

Ahmond glanced at Rosod, and she glanced back. Lilu didn't care much about what the two were thinking, she wanted to be left alone now.

"Okay, so you're going to sit here, in the dark and the cold, then what," Ahmond asked.

"Sit here in the dark and in the cold," Lilu said. She stood up. "Maybe I'm going to run into the woods, and see what actually happens."

"You lose one game," Ahmond said. "Two games, fine, but seriously, you're going to run away and go amongst the Wildborn because you have too much pride?"

"It's more than that." Lilu stood up on the log. "For my entire life, I was told I was the princess. I was told I was perfect the way I was. But if that's the truth, then why is everybody different if they're all supposedly perfect? We're all equal? Hardly, you don't think yourself as equal as a serial killer or as equal as somebody who saved the world."

Ahmond sat down, ears folding back. "So you think you're inequal? You're not bad for losing a simple game, you know."

Lilu said, "For an hour, every day, for a month I've studied this game. So why do I still suck so bad at it? It's more than this game, I should be dominating every competition we hold by the creek, and I don't. I should be getting third, second, or first place medals. But I don't."

"Forget you," Ahmond said as she turned to walk away. She paused in her tracks. "Come on, Rosod."

But Rosod shook her head. "I'm not leaving her behind, and maybe she's right in a way." Ahmond blinked a few times.

"Not a chance," Ahmond said. "She's simply talking wild because she's all butthurt about a tournament. Go ahead and run away. See you tomorrow." It wasn't actually that cold, because Lilu threatened to run away quite literally once a week.

She lost a game? She was going to run away. She tripped up and accidentally mooned everybody? She was going to run away. She threatened to run away and got called out? She was going to run away. She failed at running away? Bet your sweet candy ass she was running away.

But several paces in, Lilu said, "Only for a day."

"I'd get in major trouble," Ahmond said. She wasn't sure why she was entertaining Lilu's voice, it was only enabling her. But still, it was a tempting idea.

Lilu said, "Let's simply go into the woods, and if we 'accidentally' get lost, our parents can't get mad at us."

Okay, penultimate page. This just feels so much ruder of Ahmond then what we get later, that I'm beginning to suspect she was meant to be an entirely different character. Like a dumb jerk instead of a precious puffball. But that's quickly defeated by Ahmond being the one to comfort her.

"Wasn't actually that cold" - yes that is. Like, man. 

I do like the talk Lilu has with the other two about equality. What actually makes people equal, and is that just a trendy buzzword, or is that more about equal in talents? 

"We're not supposed to go there anyway," Ahmond said.

Lilu jumped down from the log, and went closer to the woods. She got to the edge, and stuck a paw right over the border. She took the paw back, and put the other paw out. Then she jumped over the edge, did a jig, and jumped back over.

"Seems like I'm not getting into any trouble," Lilu said, grinning.

Ahmond went over to the edge. She was tempted to slap Lilu, but she wanted to experiment. She put her paw over the line demarcating the border, and felt a shiver run down her spine. It was wild. 

Her brother was pretty lax, and she was staying with him for the week. So it wasn't that bad to try something new for once. "For half an hour," Ahmond decided.

Rosod shrugged, and said, "If we're all doing it, then it's not so wrong. I mean, my parents were probably going to get on my case for something anyway, may as well give them a good reason to."

Lilu said, "Then let's continue our quest."

So . . . Ahmond is still the wimp. Yup, in most drafts, Ahmond was always supposed to be the wimp, and Rosod was supposed to come along to join the wild expedition. Lilu's little act feels somewhat broken up. Definitely not as refined, and part of this is the lack of emotion. She's not testing, not teasing, nothing. She just jumps over. 

Anyway, with all this exposition, ironically the set-up didn't set anything up. We still haven't met Cyras yet, our actual main character. 

Like, cutting out all the extraneous text, we would probably have, at most, two out of the five pages we really do have. The characters aren't well-defined. I, being the author, can tell what the intents were and who the characters were, but right now this story reads as "you're not equal to everyone and you should stop copying others". Ironically those ideas actually seem related when I say them out loud. 

Anyway, Ahmond is just as rude as Rosod. Lilu is just as snobby and aristocratic as smartweasel. Smartweasel is as caring as Ahmond. 

Also there's a lot more language and finger flipping than I feel comfortable with for these characters. Just weird, overall.