Little Owlis' Utopia Self-Review

 Greetings, mutants. 

So let's talk about a self-review. Sometimes you need to look over something, and tell yourself what works and what doesn't. 

I'm choosing Little Owlis' Utopia for this showcase, to help you understand more about the self-critiquing process. Starting off, lemme explain the story, and the fruition. One day, I think I was upset, and in two hours, I wrote this up, put through grammarly, and posted. 

Yes, I know. I did like, seven different drafts of literally any given scene in Where We Lie, and Utopia meanwhile only got two drafts basically. I'm not a fan of hot-off-the-pressing, though I knew this wasn't something I was gonna revisit or rewrite. 

So we need a baseline on what is this story's theme, ideas, everything. The intentions. This is meant to only be a thousand words, exactly. With some cheating at one part, but we'll get to that. 

So here's our first line: 

(Words could be powerful, quite literally.) 

Mm. Could alternatively be "words were powerful, quite literally". That makes a stronger statement, but one that's more absolute. "quite" can be dropped. "Words could be powerful, literally." I'm not entirely sold on having this as an opening sentence, however the phrasing feels more floaty and appropriate to the scenario than, "Words were literally powerful". 

(A gryphon rubbed the fresh ink on the parchment several times. Within, he tried infusing an element of flame. However, the paper burned up.) 

The phrasing is a bit awkward, imo. Like, just tightening this a bit, "A gryphon rubbed the parchment several times, trying to infuse flames into the ink. The paper burned. He grimaced." Perhaps I could figure out something more graceful than that given a few hours. Regardless, I think picking "a" instead of "the" gryphon was a good choice, as that keeps the distance from the character and the situation. He's not "the" gryphon, he's just "a" gryphon. In the example rewrite, we aren't entirely sure what he's doing, but we understand he doesn't actually want the paper to burn. 

(He had cast the spell several times, trying to enchant the letters, figuring he had a theory. He was known as Ramseas, the poet. One of the greatest Weavers of his generation, and Knowledge's primary student. Having learned under the dragoness for many years, he wasn't sure why he failed this often.)

Boi. How do you "figure you had a theory", as opposed to, "he had a theory". These sentences also seem out of order. I'd probably rewrite as: "He was Ramseas, the poet. One of the greatest Weaver's of his generation—not to mention Knowledge's primary student—he wasn't sure why he so often failed to enchant the letters." In this example, the sentences flow into one another more easily. Instead of, "He has a theory, move out to knowing his name, and knowing his accomplishments, then we learn he's a student of Knowledge", we go with, "his name - his accomplishments - and yet he still fails."

("Ramseas," Knowledge said, "I am pleased to see you." Cradled in her arms, was a purple fox who's paws reached and slapped at the beads around Knowledge's neck. The little fighter was biting down on the beads, trying to break them.) 

Does this imply he was on a walk while trying to enchant everything? I suppose the implication is after he burned that parchment, he goes to meet her. I do wish I explained what exactly the "paper" was, because Skya is based more on ancient Asia. Good cameo of Owlis. Not too crazy on Knowledge's dialogue here, really feels more like this is meant to establish that Knowledge is present. 

(Ramseas never asked about the Fall Goddess. He knew that Knowledge was attempting to educate the young vixen.) 

Educate her on what? She's literally pawing at beads. Also who doesn't ask about a goddess? Also, technically, no one even knows she's the Fall Goddess or Autumnal Ascended yet as she hasn't invented Fall yet. 

("I have finally figured out the problem with the puzzle, so I may learn more than four elements.")

A bit of a weird line. Instead of saying puzzle, maybe be more concrete. "I'm still working on enchanting letters, so we can instill any element into a given letter." 

(Knowledge's eye ridge furrowed. Her pupil was far bigger than Ramseas, even while slit. "Ramseas, you barely have a good grasp on any element other than Water. Most are lucky if they learn two elements. But better learn those elements and learn them well than learn nine and learn them poorly.")

Perhaps this is pretty expository. Could be truncated to: "Ramseas, you barely have a grasp on any element. Only with water are you exceptional. Better learn two elements and learn them well, than learn nine and learn them poorly." I do oddly like the arrangement of the last sentence, seems more whimsical than if she just said, "Better learn those elements well, than learn nine poorly." Her pupil being bigger than Ramseas while slit seems more . . . terrifying than intended.

(Ramseas said, "Think about spells in words."

"Such as books. That is known as a spellbook," Knowledge said.

Ramseas grimaced, a vein pulsing, his talons flexing. But in the same moment he did that, he also took a breath. "No, my thoughts are that if we all weave the spells in words, we can access those spells later.")

Mate, are you honestly throwing a fit? The fact Knowledge didn't just blast him into the stone age, or yesterday by this world's standards, shows great restraint. I could have been more descriptive of "access". Such as having him say, "We can access those spells by unleashing the words". 

(Weaving was a certain type of magic, focusing on hexes and enchantments, putting spells within armor and artifacts.) 

This feels like something that could/should've come up earlier.  

(Ramseas knew Water, Fire, Lightning, and Earth. However, he could never get the grasp of Psychic magics despite how intelligent he was. However, if his master would seal some of her psycho magic, perhaps he could become a psychic magician.

Knowledge smiled gracefully. "I will await your results.)

Knowledge feels a bit awkward. She goes from being, honestly, pretty mocking, to being entertained by Ramseas. Also, what even is a graceful smile? 

Anyway, calling this "psycho magic" is definitely . . . acceptable. Mention his master sealing her magic in words, and I think that we'd be fine. 

(

***

Owlis sits with Knowledge, not anymore a baby, but still a young girl. She has been on the mortal plane for a while now, after sneaking away. Ryvoh wasn't speaking with her because of an incident with Knowledge's sibling, Despair. The great beast holds a lot of physical similarities with his sister, both having eye patches, long trident like horns coming from their heads, and thick tails. However, Knowledge held serenity. Instead of a hidden anger, she hid peace.) 

Tbh, I dislike doing "***". I know I do them a lot, but basically people complain whenever I don't do that. I wanna experiment with just separating the paragraphs further. The phrasing enters present tense, indicating a shift in time. This is really gimmicky. I don't recommend this really, that's why I only did that for this short story. I think the first sentence is better rendered as, "Owlis sits with knowledge, now a child". Young girl is redundant. Eye patches implies they're missing eyes, when I really meant they both had patches of scales around their eyes differently colored than the rest of their faces. Also how do you hide peace while holding Serenity? 

A rewrite of this would likely be, "Owlis sits Knowledge, now a child. She has wandered the mortal plane for a while, after sneaking away from the Celestial Plane. Ryvoh refused to speak with her because of an incident with Knowledge's brother, Despair. While both hold similarities; from the patches of different colored scales around their eyes, the trident-like horns growing from their heads, and their thick tails; Knowledge is serene and peaceful.

(Thousands of threads come from Knowledge, each one grabs a piece of rubble, which all fit together for the structure of a library. They are within a Skyless kingdom, reassembling broken pieces of a school that Owlis has started classes in. The classes are short and are introducing potential materials until the real semester starts, as is Skyless customs.) 

Again, the sentences here aren't quite related, and move on about different topics quickly. I think that specifying that only part of the school is broken would be better. The thousands of threads is familiar to anyone who's seen Rosod in action and knows that's how she telepathies. We then move onto how the school functions, but that's another paragraph. 

("I wish I knew some of that magic," Owlis says, though she only speaks up because Knowledge looks serious during these meetings. "I already know, Fire, Lightning, and Earth. Ryvoh knows Water, maybe I'll learn from her.")

To be honest, mate, I totally feel that. I understand the sense of like, speaking to ease the tensions. Anyway, Owlis wants Psychic magic, and mentions the elements she's learned. I found a friend didn't realize why Knowledge gets caught off-guard in the next paragraph. Essentially, Owlis is mentioning she wants to learn the same elements as Ramseas. 

("Please Owlis, I'm focusing on this for now, alright Sweetie?" The sternness of her expression is hidden with a light smile, however Owlis knows that lacks genuiness.)

 

Can reverse one sentence. "A light smile hides the sternness of her expression". Or perhaps saying what sternness means, such as a quivering lip. 

 

This is oddly a real situation to me. Just like a child trying to talk to a parent who's at work.  

 

(Owlis says, "This library has been ruined ever since I was born."

"Try a little later than that," Knowledge says.

"I just wish I saw the place."

Knowledge tells her, "You did when you were younger.") 

Yeah, so this slowly tries to get at the idea that Ramseas was the one who blew up the library, and the flashback to prior is hinted at being Knowledge's current thoughts as she repairs the library. I have to question why she didn't just repair the place earlier. One hint on the library's fate is Knowledge saying "Try a little later than that". 

I also get that feeling of like, wishing to see the library's prime. But Owlis can't remember. 

(Owlis raises an eyebrow, as Knowledge explains, "This is where I taught some of my best students. Your mother let me watch over you, and admittedly, not one of her best judgments as you were always running about, sniffing people, biting books. Buttnaked."

Owlis scrunches her nose up. "I'm always 'buttnaked'."

Knowledge says, "Skyless wear loincloths. You refused pretty often, however now you're part of a Skyless school, and get to wear a uniform."

"I don't even get clothes." Owlis rolls her eyes.) 

Sorta more amusing and childish dialogue, and slowly hints at Knowledge's more playful part. Owlis' line is kinda weird, because "get" can be interpreted as "receive" when I mean "get" as in "understand". 

(Knowledge tells her, "Think about this. You're a Weaver who could learn how weaving clothes works in school."

"I'm so focused on building a society, and I want to do that, I don't even want to learn here." Owlis double glances at Knowledge, hoping that isn't offensive. However, this academy was built on Knowledge's intelligence and as a temple for the grand master.) 

I do appreciate Knowledge's pun. Sentence could be repaired slightly. "You're a Weaver who could learn, in school, to weave clothes." 

 "I want to build a society. I don't even want to go here."

 (Knowledge joylessly smiles. "Never rush. Always test a theory a few times. Learn fundamentals."

Owlis says, "I already have a bunch of kids waiting for Utopia. We've built the place up several times, but we keep getting wrecked, and I keep trying to build each part. I've found out this place has like healing pools. That is amazing! My empire should have one of those."

"Kingdom, Owlis. An Empire is several kingdoms.") 

Knowledge is still hurt, and every time she smiles, there's a certain joylessness. I think I'm relatively safe from overstating this, as I've only said that twice now. Could grammar Owlis better. "I've found this place, has, like, healing pools. That's amazing!" 

("Yeah, that's my plan." Owlis nods. "But I feel like I'm in over my head about all of this Utopia stuff. I've this idea on how we'll share power, and who gets what. Also an idea about farming. But as soon as I work on the farming, I have ideas on developing the libraries. We already have the criminal justice figured out, however. We get a giant, really big paddle, and we WHACK butts until the eyes pop out. So far no one's eyes have popped out yet but they have engineering classes in school."

Knowledge muses, "I've heard that one little fox is actually only a few infractions away from a school paddling for being a smarty-no-pants and brat. Perhaps she should workonherhomework.") 

That's the cheat I mentioned. Technically the story is 1003 words if you count "workonherhomework" as separate. 

Owlis trying to develop a kingdom is definitely relatable. Also, I feel like this could be developed further, what Knowledge means by she's only a few infractions away, and she has homework. Supposedly, school hasn't even truly started yet. Basically, there is a "primer", and then you actually start the classes proper. That could have been more detailed. 

(Owlis gasps and runs off while Knowledge giggles. She looks on at a distant tower known as Archivists' tower, which is where her student Ramseas was sealed away after his spells burned books, then libraries, then people.

She wonders how far away Owlis is from being the next Ramseas.) 

And the plot twist this all went towards. Incidentally, this puts the story in a new context. I forgot this was how this ended, was on this twist line. I feel weird for "spoiling that" earlier in the text. Though if you're reading this, you've waived your spoiler-free rights. 

Huh, these author's notes though: 

(Author’s Notes: This weird little tale was, thought of, written, and published within a few hours and is about overextending. Perhaps there is a moral here, but there is definitely a rant.  Yup. Not revised at all.

I normally never upload extremely raw drafts. I will admit that a chapter of N:Era Where We Lie only got like three drafts, but yeah, this is fresh off the press plus some quick grammar looks.

So Ramseas is actually gonna be a main villain of a side story expansion. So are the Skyless, they're gonna be in Owlis Fall of Dragons. I feel like this tale is mostly about all the stuff that will happen.

I dunno if you'll enjoy, but I figure I haven't uploaded in a while.) 

That's a bit mysterious. I have no idea what I was ranting about. I suppose perhaps I was talking about people who lack fundamentals in writing. 

 

Anyway, um, just a cute tale, really. I can agree with the idea of there is a moral. Like, this is clearly about understanding what you're doing, but I feel like there's too much exposition throughout, that could be cut, or moved around in other areas to provide a smoother stream of information. 

 

I think the actual structure is fine. Knowledge seems like a weirdly depressed individual until you realize she's sad because she's repairing damage done by one of her favorite students. I'd probably improve Ramseas' attitude so you could more clearly see him being excited by his revelations. 

 

Anyway, that's a self-critique, yeah.